As some may have noticed, or you scroll through my blog posts, I didn’t anything for a month. That wasn’t intentional. Wasn’t work related or because I was out of ideas. Wasn’t because of any of the usual reasons for a gap in posting on a blog. The reason for me not posting for a month, I sort of messed up at self-care.
Now let me say right upfront, it wasn’t anything physical. I didn’t go on some extended bender or just not sleep enough for a long while. Though I did have days when I definitely didn’t get enough sleep. So my physical health was just fine. What wasn’t fine however was my mental and emotional health. That’s why some days I didn’t sleep much.
It all started with following the victim impact statements in the Larry Nasser trials. Which as the victim of child abuse, I knew I might have some issues with. So, no watching the live TV coverage. Just follow things online, on Twitter, Facebook and sometimes some other sites. That way, I’d only get some transcribed snippets and reporter accounts of what was going on. I should be fine, or so I thought. Turns out, I thought wrong and ended up not entirely fine.
Even though the abuse I faced as a child was emotional abuse, something different from the victims in the Nasser trials, it’s still abuse and abuse just does certain things to you no matter what kind it is. It’s why I wasn’t going to watch the live TV coverage, hearing one woman after another talking about how she was abused and the consequences, I knew was more than I really could handle well. If it was just a few, no problem. But dozens and dozens? No way. That’s just way more than I would even try to handle. So no watching the live coverage.
And the first couple days I was alright. It was hard to read the little snippets I saw and things like how the number of victim statements kept going up. But I was keeping myself together and I wasn’t following through the whole day. Just a few hours and that was it. That should work ok through it all. But it didn’t.
After the first couple days, as the statements built up, the number of victims kept going up, it just started taking a hold of me. As I read more things I related to, I started thinking back to my own abuse. Going through events one after another, the way I felt, how I felt afterwards. Bit by bit I couldn’t keep from digging into every little bit of my own abuse. And with that feeling all the hurt and everything that went with it. It all started feeling so raw, stripped of whatever distance or cushion I had.
Beyond that there were the things I’d see being said online which just swirled together with what I was already feeling. People asking why didn’t someone come forward sooner, how could they have not realized it was abuse when it happened, things like that. Things I am far too well aware of the answers to. There’s no one to come forward to, or you fear getting in trouble for coming forward, you tell yourself that it’s bad but it’s not abuse, and so on. And as I read it, responding to some people’s comments, how raw everything felt, just got more intense.
I knew that I should just try to get out and away from it a while. But, just a little more, just a bit longer, just one more. I couldn’t get myself away from it even as I knew I should. Even when it got to where I’d go lay down and just start crying, I couldn’t get myself to get some distance. At that point it would hardly make much difference. I was just going to ride it out until it was all done.
All while this was going on, after I’d get some sleep, I’d be fine more or less. I was feeling drained, but if I didn’t tell you, you wouldn’t have known. So as far as the world would know, I was getting along pretty well. I might have said something about how hard it was to see some things, but nothing that gave any clue to how I was actually doing or processing everything. Or not. No clue of how I was actually feeling inside.
And among the things that wouldn’t show at all, was that my mind turned to jello when it came to the sort of thinking it takes to write. Or write much of anything beyond the usual Facebook and Twitter update stuff and such. So even if my mind was full of ideas it just couldn’t get things together to write. And even after all the victim statements were done and it was over that didn’t change. Even as the days passed and I started feeling emotionally more stable and well, still couldn’t get my mind together. That would take a bit more time.
And in the end it was a few weeks before everything was back together. Now, everything is back to working. The words I’m writing now just flowing out of my fingers. So all is good. I know I should have something to say about how if something else comes along, when it does, I’ll take better care of myself. And I do plan on it, or at least hope to. But, I can’t even come close to a promise that I’ll handle things how I know I should. Because as much as I know to handle things better, I know how easily that can slip away. I can only hope that next time I’ll handle it better.
So there you have it, why there was nothing on the blog for a month. Oh as for the couple week break after the first post back, that was just a bit of life being a pain. Nothing bad. Nothing that actually left me not being able to write. Now I’m in that nice space where writing just comes to me. So can really get myself going on everything I’m working on, what you thought this blog was it? It’s not. But it’s damn sweet to be back to it.